I don’t know exactly when it starts, but at some point, many of us begin believing that everyone else has life figured out.
Maybe it’s the friend who seems confident in their career. The person who appears to have a healthy relationship. The classmate who always seems organized. The parent who somehow remembers spirit days, appointments, extracurriculars, and still manages to show up with a coffee in hand and a smile on their face.
From the outside, it can seem like everyone else received a handbook that somehow never made it to us.
I hear versions of this all the time. People tell me they feel behind—behind in their careers, behind in relationships, behind in understanding themselves. They wonder why things seem harder for them than they appear to be for everyone else.
Sometimes it sounds like, “I should have figured this out by now.” Sometimes it sounds like anxiety. Sometimes it sounds like self-doubt. Sometimes it sounds like overthinking every decision or replaying every conversation long after it’s ended.
It’s such a common thought, and yet I’ve started to wonder where this expectation comes from. Who decided there was a timeline for becoming a fully functioning human being? Who determines when we’re supposed to stop struggling, stop learning, or stop feeling uncertain?
For many of the people I work with, this pressure shows up in different ways. Some are learning how to process experiences from childhood or relationships and trying to understand how those experiences continue to shape them today. And some are exploring who they are outside of the expectations they’ve spent years trying to meet.
Regardless of the details, there is often a common thread: the belief that they should be further along than they are.
But when I look around, I don’t see people who have everything figured out. I see people navigating careers, relationships, grief, identity, parenthood, friendships, and
countless other challenges while doing the best they can with the information they have.
I see people learning.
I see people adapting.
I see people trying.
And honestly, I think that’s a much more realistic picture of adulthood than the one many of us
carry around in our heads.
The problem with believing everyone else has it figured out is that it often leaves very little room for our own humanity. We become frustrated with ourselves for struggling. We criticize ourselves for needing support. We interpret uncertainty as failure rather than a normal part of
being a person.
Jenn Mirabelli
Registered Psychotherapist (Qualifying)
My approach to therapy is rooted in the belief that growth begins with curiosity, not criticism. When we stop judging ourselves for where we are and start exploring our experiences with compassion, we often discover that there is far more beneath the surface than we initially realized.
What if not knowing isn’t a problem to solve?
What if feeling stuck sometimes is part of the process?
What if growth isn’t about finally reaching a place where you have all the answers, but learning how to trust yourself when you don’t?
These aren’t questions I have completely figured out myself. In fact, I suspect that’s part of the point.
The older I get, the more I realize that confidence doesn’t come from knowing everything. It comes from realizing that you can handle not knowing. You can ask for help. You can learn. You can make mistakes. You can change your mind. You can start over.
Maybe having it all figured out was never the goal.
Maybe the goal is learning how to move through life with a little more self-compassion, a little more curiosity, and a little less pressure to be perfect.
If you’ve been carrying the pressure to have it all figured out, I hope this serves as a reminder that you’re not alone. Therapy can be a space to slow down, make sense of what you’re experiencing, and develop a different relationship with yourself—one rooted in curiosity rather than criticism. If you’re interested in learning more about working together, I’d be happy to connect through a free 15-minute consultation.
